When you're pregnant, there is an incomparable feeling of wholeness that grows with every second that passes—and then, suddenly, it can be gone. Having a miscarriage is a loss that strips apart every hope you had for the future, and overshadows the love you felt during that time. It's unimaginable grief. You think it can’t get worse, and yet, my last miscarriage was worse than the first.
I still gasp when I think back on this last pregnancy loss. To hear and see those heartbeats that changed your entire being and then to have them ripped away. It is having the gift of life and then having it torn away from you. I see you and your experience!
Miscarriage is one of those topics that no one likes to talk about.
While miscarriage is common, it is not something that any woman wants to experience (I would hope). There is nothing you could have done differently to prevent it! You may feel guilt about your loss because you think it's your fault, but this isn't true. Lean into all of your feelings during this time. Your feelings are valid!
It can also be hard on your partner, friends, family, and supervisors/coworkers. Your partner may also deal with feelings of guilt and responsibility. Friends and family members may feel helpless to comfort you. Your supervisor may expect you at work the next day without understanding the impact on your central and peripheral nervous systems. (We need to do better with bereavement leave at the workplace, but I digress.) Maybe your doctor struggles with finding the right words to say when someone has just lost a pregnancy that they were looking forward to. Thankfully, I had (and have) a supportive GYN who didn’t make me feel guilty or ashamed for having a pregnancy loss. Whether or not you did, too, know that your experience is valid!
You don't have to go through this alone. There is no reason to be ashamed or hide from your experience. I've turned my loss into purpose and helped others, primarily women, find joy and meaning in their lives. I hold onto your hope when you feel it's gone. I'm proud of where I stand, and please don't tell me I can try again or that there are other ways to bear children. And please don't share that with others as well. I can write an entire piece on what not to say to women going through a miscarriage. Your grief is valid!
I will never forget the connection with my baby, and you won't either. I practice gratitude for the love & connection I felt, and I hope you can, too. Remember it’s the love and connection that you’re mourning. Your feelings and grief are valid! I once heard, "The more light we let in, the more darkness disappears, and the more love we experience, the more fear fades." I am still whole. You are still whole! Have you changed? Probably. Most likely. And, yes, that is okay! You can still find joy, hope, and love in your loss/experience.
Thank you for reading about my experience! If you found this information helpful or it resonated with you in any way, please leave a comment below or send me an email at email@example.com. I'd love to hear your thoughts and continue the conversation. Shame only lives when we don't talk about it.
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